This week started with a bang – a literal and a big one at that with all the 4th of July celebrations happening in every part of the country. You know what the problem is with weeks that start with a big bang? You can almost expect the rest of the coming days to be lame. Tuesday – lame; Wednesday – lame-o; Thursday – definitely/maybe lamer; Friday – ooh, Friday! And so we were thinking, what can we do to make our readers survive this week? Best answer: dog jokes. Well, for one, everybody loves dogs. Anyone who doesn’t like dogs must have been a criminal in their past life. And jokes? Who couldn’t use a joke these days? The best antidote to life’s stresses is a good, long laugh. As Robert Frost said, “If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane!” Who would want to go insane? Not me, that’s for sure.
1. Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pup-sicle
2. We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. – Rita Rudner
3. Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A: A friend you can count on
4. Q: Why don’t blind people like to skydive?
A: Because it scares the dog!
5. “We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” – Mommy Dog
6. After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
7. Q: Why don’t dogs make the best dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
8. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. – Jeff Valdez
9. Q: Why does the dog bring toilet paper to the party?
A: Because he is a party pooper.
10. A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
11. Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!
12. A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. “But that would make no sense at all.”
13. Q: What’s a dog’s favorite kind of pizza?
A: Pup-peroni
14. Q: What kind of markets do dogs avoid?
A: A flea market!
15. I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them. – Eli Terry
16. Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”
The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”
17. Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He wanted to make ends meet.
18. Q: Why is the cat afraid of the tree?
A: Because of its bark.
19. Q: What did the Dalmatian say after eating dinner?
A: Wow, that hit the spots!
20. Q: Why are dalmatians terrible at hide and seek?
A: Because they’re always spotted.
21. When dog food says “new and improved”, who’s been tasting it?
22. Q: How do you keep a dog from smelling?
A: You hold its nose!
23. Q: What did one flea say to another flea when they walked out of the movies?
A: Should we walk or should we take the dog?
24. Q: What kind of a dog can jump as high as a building?
A: Any kind. A building can’t jump!
25. It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,” I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
26. Q: What is more amazing than a talking dog?
A: A spelling bee
27. Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
A: A blushing dalmatian
28. Q: Where do you put barking dogs?
A: In a barking lot
29. A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”
The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
30. Q: Why did the dog stay in the shade?
A: He didn’t want to turn into a hot dog.
31. Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: Not the mail – that’s for sure.
